My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
