I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
