We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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