ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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