come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
