4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I enjoy the company of your penis
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
