Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
