oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
