One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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