Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
