can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
