i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
