3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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