he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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