I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
