You can't special order awesome
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize