not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
