Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
