A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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