Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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