I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
