Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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