I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
