So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
