took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
