I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
