Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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