I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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