I puked a lego.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
