I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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