it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
