literally had 100 drinks last night.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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