Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
