If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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