I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
