i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
