I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
