You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
