When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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