a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
