my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
