part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
