i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
honey bunches of taint.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize