He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
