I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
