Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
