I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
