so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
