if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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