i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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