It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
