while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
