I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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