im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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