You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
