thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
