I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
