so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
